Monday, February 15, 2010

Making Decisions

Monday, February 15, 2010
It's late, and I should be asleep. Well, asleep or reading. But instead I'm curled up on my sofa, typing a blog entry that I hadn't planned on posting before. Hopefully it'll be worth it.

Writing this blog has been a great experience for me. It's enabled me to share my experiences, thoughts and occasional frustrations in escorting. Having sex for a living isn't without its downsides, of course. But soon, things might begin to change.

Within a few weeks, I should know if I will have the chance to leave escorting behind for a job opportunity in my field from university. Well, not so much a job opportunity as a trial run at a company that sounds pretty decent. I met with the owners; they're nice people, and both seemed enthusiastic about the prospect of working together.

For the record, I wasn't looking for this opportunity. If anything, it found me.

Still, am I really ready to leave escorting behind, or even cut my hours? I'm not so sure. Ever since that one fateful night with Rebecca and the masturbating doctor, I've been sleeping with strangers for money and have grown accustomed to both the work and the nature of sex work in general.

The money is good. The hours are strange, but not that demanding. Sex work is a field in which age and experience -- things employers value -- aren't important. Hell, being too old and too experienced is bad for one's career. So, in those respects, escorting makes perfect sense, at least for now.

I know the idea that the idea of leaving sex work makes me nervous is absurd, but that's how I feel. It's not just the sex -- though that's part of it. It's the idea that once I take that "real" job, my career is no longer in my hands. I'll answer to a boss, have to make compromises, deal with co-workers -- things I haven't had much experience in for a long while.

Not to mention, there's something else. Or shall I say, someone else.

Should I leave escorting, I fear that my relationship with Simone will be irreparably damaged. Could I truly continue a relationship with an escort without being one myself? The fact that Simone and I both sleep with other people for a living seems to cancel out the fact that we aren't exclusive to one another.

Assume I quit escorting. Suddenly, I'm not having sex with multiple women a week. Simone, however, will be -- meaning she and I are no longer on equal footing. Will I grow jealous if I continue to sleep with her, knowing that she's continuing to see clients?

I'd like to think not, but who am I to predict my emotions? Hypocrisy is something everyone partakes in eventually. Could I be next?

On a more philosophical note, I'm also nervous about letting Julian "die" completely. Of course I'd keep writing the blog, and who knows, maybe I'll keep escorting, at least on the weekends. But still, Julian has been my dual identity for some time. And I'm not sure I'm ready to let him go for good.

I don't know whether it's possible to combine Julian and the real me. Julian, for all his glory, is someone who rarely shows himself during non-working hours. The real me isn't nearly as striking or interesting. How could my "regular self" compete with my "escort self" and come out on top? Julian has far better stories to tell.

So, dear readers, time will tell where my life is going. I still have a full schedule for the next two weeks. And rest assured that whatever happens, this blog will continue. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't see myself going cold turkey immediately.

Sex is like a drug -- meaning I'd have to wean myself off slowly. I just hope that whatever happens, I don't lose either side of myself in the process. Julian is part of me, no matter what. And thanks to this blog, I suppose, he will live on forever.

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