Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Time to Say Goodbye

Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I can't believe she's leaving me.

Self-centered as that may sound, Rebecca's impending departure has hit me hard. So hard, in fact, that I left Miami for a period of time myself, heading north to Orlando to enjoy Labor Day weekend at Universal Studios. For awhile, I forgot about my own troubles, focusing instead on all the fun to be had on both the main park as well as the Island of Adventure.

But on the drive back, everything came to the surface once more. Why Rebecca's move has me in the doldrums I can't say. Of course she's my friend -- hell, she was more than that. She was my first college "girlfriend", the person who got me into escorting. Interestingly enough, she's now the person that's trying to convince me to leave it.

Where she's exactly moving to I can't say -- only that it's up north (north as in Chicago, not Orlando or Tallahassee) and that she's looking forward to it. I'm not angry, just... hurt. Disappointed. Sad. Of course I know that I shouldn't be feeling these things, that Rebecca is free to live her life as she sees fit, and that as a friend I should be congratulating her decisions and endeavors.

After speaking with both Adam and Bailey (though more so Adam; he lives right near me), I think I have a working hypothesis as to why this whole ordeal is kicking my ass. With Rebecca now gone -- and the fact that she also plans on leaving escorting in the New Year -- the reality is that one day, I'll have to do the same.

I won't stay in Miami forever. An despite the fact that men have a much longer lifespan in the business of high-end prostitution than women do, I won't be a gigolo forever, either. But what would I do? That's the scary part -- because at this point, I really don't know.

Having sex for a living is low on time and rewarding in pay. Should the economy begin to recover, would I look for a traditional nine-to-five at an office? I can't see that happening. The independence, flexibility and even creativity I've cultivated as a result of escorting would have to be sacrificed should I enter the traditional working world. So, what does that leave me with?

I'd still be an entrepreneur -- just not one involved in sex work. Could I truly take a "sanitized" job where sex is something off-topic and even taboo? Will I have to begin wearing a mask to present myself as a respectable citizen of society in order to maintain the status quo, not to mention avoid rocking office politics?

Time will tell, I guess. But if Rebecca's announcement taught me anything, it's that escorting isn't meant to last forever. And, lastly, it showed me that my feelings for her will stronger than even I anticipated. That hurt most of all.

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